Out of Isolation

With only 2 weeks left, I decided to come out of isolation and go into Montezuma at night, to go dancing. It was Reggae night, well, sort of Reggae with a mix of rap and Costa Rican pop. Dancing here seems to be a mixture of getting high, smoking cigarettes, drinking and a search for gringo girls who are willing to have sex, no questions asked. Wow, these Costa Ricans just love to dance!!! And they have the moves! If you read my blog post right after Obama was elected, I mentioned that about 8 min. was spent on the news that night with nonstop videos and discussions of the Obamas dancing together. Now I know why! Bailando, dancing, is one of the Costa Rican’s true loves.

And one of my loves is watching. I danced most of the night, but while I was dancing, I watched. I watched men watching and talking about the women. It is so much fun to see what women do to men; you can literally see a man’s breath getting taken away by a beautiful woman. I smiled the night away!

On a personal note, I feel like I accomplished what I came here for. Even though when I came here, I had no idea what the ramifications would in fact be. The first draft of my book is complete. I learned about self-reliance. I learned to stand up for myself and speak my mind, get over my shyness. (OK, this does not sound new for me, but the truth is, I lost myself a bit here and had to re-establish this part of myself, hopefully with more grace than I had before.) I learned to begin to love my body and not fight it so much. I learned that it is fine to be alone without working, just sitting and being. I read thousands of pages of books, with new concepts. I began creating an e-mail class on forgiveness. I scheduled my annual retreats and came up with this years theme – Transitions – Welcoming in the new energy. I learned that is was fine to be invisible. I learned I could walk long distances, carrying grocery bags and a lap top. I learned some Spanish, mostly words pertaining to the dogs! Oh, and of course, food words. Aguacate (avocado) is my favorite. I learned to ask for help and receive it. I learned to just accept help when it was offered. I learned to ride a quad. I learned to be more comfortable with sweating. I learned a new form of yoga, using sound and color. I made a few new friends. I learned that I LOVE floating in water every day, and decided that I will put in a small above-ground pool at my house for the summer. I learned I do not need a man or to be in a relationship to be happy. I learned to lay in a hammock and just look at the stars and the sunrises and sunsets. I learned how to process through hurt, anger, and pain and to remember what is important in life – love. I learned that love begins with yourself. I learned that I can quickly find myself in the angry, hurt place of my adolescence with my mother, and pull myself out quickly. I learned to take responsibility for my bad choices. I learned that my forgiveness chapter in my Transcending Divorce book really really works, in any situation. I created a new meditation, which can be adapted for many situations. I learned about humiliation and humbleness. I learned new methods for healing. I learned how to deal with bugs, scorpions, spiders. I learned that I still have to swat at flies and have not learned the art of ignoring them. I learned to really look closely at the beautiful flowers, to notice where I walk, to notice my surroundings. I learned that once you release fears, those things you feared seem to disappear. I learned to take howling monkeys, roosters, dogs, and birds in stride and be ok with not sleeping past 5:15 am. I learned to drink Segrams ICE drinks, to make delicious food with few ingredients, to make afternoon fruit smoothies. I learned I could feel beautiful and sexy, with out fancy clothes, nice shoes, make up or hair done. I learned to sit and watch birds and butterflies for hours on end, without being bored, and with pure fascination. I learned how to spend money wisely, only on what I truly needed. I learned to depend on myself for daily decisions. I remembered once again what wonderful friends and family I have in the US, and how many have loved me through this journey, whether they believed I was doing the right thing or not. While at times my worth, my value and ability as a mother, as a coach, as a girl-friend was being challenged, I learned to stand my ground and to get, in the pit of my stomach, that it only mattered if I believed I was doing the best I could do, and any shame or guilt from others had to be released and not taken on by me.

I can’t believe this list, I think I could go on and on and on. Well, I guess taking almost 3 months away was certainly worth it.

I am reading the book Barack Obama wrote in 1995, Dreams from My Father, after he graduated from Harvard Law School. This was certainly written long before there were any dreams of presidency, even of politics beyond community activism. What touches me the most, is that he KNOWS, he has worked for and with, communities in poverty, communities without any hope at all! Has there ever been a president with that inside knowledge? I hope and pray he keeps his integrity throughout this process. Certainly, there will be some compromise. But I have decided to take it upon myself to pray for his safety and his integrity.

He describes two incidents in the book worth mentioning. The first time is his first visit to services at Rev. Wright’s church. The name of the sermon was called “The Audacity of Hope”, which of course is the name of the book he would write 10 years later. During the service, people thanked Jesus, even for their unfortunate, difficult lives. No matter what the past, there was always hope for a better future. Where did that faith come from in people who still had the nerve to be hopeful about the future? The second note of interest to me was his visit to Kenya, just before law school and how he described the feeling of familiarity and security being around everyone who looked just like him, where no one would even ask how to spell his last name, but would more likely say, oh, are you related to so and so? I felt the exact same way when I was in Israel. I came back to the US and tried to explain to people that it really is gratifying when you can walk down the street and not feel different than others. Even though most of us Ashkenazi Jews can pass as just plain old white folks, there is the look, the assumptions, the different expectations when someone discovers your name is Rubenstein. Perhaps that is why I kept the name through two husbands, to remind myself of who I truly am, a person connected to a past she did not know, through her DNA. Hum.

 For your enjoyment, my big monkey picture

Big monkey in back yard